Directions about Marriage: Choice and Contract
As the persons of Christians, even in their most private lives, are holy, being dedicated and set apart for God, so too must their families be. Holiness to the Lord must be, as it were, written on their doors, and upon their relationships, their possessions, and their affairs. To this end it is necessary: 1. that there be a holy constitution of their families; and 2. a holy government of them, along with a faithful discharge of the several duties belonging to each member of the family.
To the right constituting of a family belongs (1.) the right contracting of marriage, and (2.) the right choice and contract between masters and their servants. For the first:
Direction 1. “Take heed that neither lust nor rashness thrusts you into a married condition before you can see sufficient reasons to invite you to it, reasons that may assure you of the call and approval of God.”
1. It is God whom you must serve in your married state, and it is therefore fitting that you should first know it is his will that you serve him there. Take his counsel before rushing into it, for he knows best what belongs to his own service.
2. It is God upon whom you must still depend for the blessing and comforts of your relation; and there is therefore very great reason to seek his guidance and consent, as the chief things required for the match. If the consent of parents is necessary, how much more is the consent of God.
Question: But how shall a man know whether God calls him to marriage, or gives his consent to it? Has God not left all men free here, as in a matter indifferent?
Answer: God has made no universal law commanding or forbidding marriage; in this respect he has left it as an indifferent matter for mankind, yet not permitting all to marry, for undoubtedly to some it is unlawful. He has, however, by other general laws and rules directed men to know in what cases it is lawful and in what cases it is sin.
Every person is bound to choose that condition in which they may serve God with the greatest advantage, and which tends most toward their spiritual welfare and growth in holiness. There is nothing in marriage itself that makes it generally inconsistent with these benefits or with fulfilling these obligations, and therefore it is said that “he that marrieth doth well,” that is, he does something not unlawful in itself, and which for some persons is the most desirable state of life. Yet there is something in a single life that makes it, especially for preachers and persecuted Christians, more commonly the most advantageous state for these ends of Christianity; and therefore it is said that “he that marrieth not, doth better” (1 Cor 7:7, 38).
To individual persons, however, it is hard to see how marriage can avoid being either a duty or a sin, at least in nearly all ordinary cases. It is a matter of such great weight in the ordering of our hearts and lives that it can hardly be indifferent as a means to our ultimate end; it must be either a very great help or a very great hindrance. But if there are persons whose circumstances are so evenly balanced on both sides that even the most judicious observer cannot discern whether a single or married life is more likely to advance their personal holiness, public usefulness, or the good of others, then for such persons the particular act of marrying may be genuinely indifferent.
By the following conditions you may know what persons have a call from God to marry, and who do not have that call or approval.
1. If there is a peremptory will or command from parents to children who are under their authority, and no greater contrary consideration to hinder it, the command of parents signifies the command of God. But if parents only persuade rather than command, their wishes must not be refused without cause, yet a smaller impediment may outweigh them than would be the case with a peremptory command.
2. Those are called to marry who lack the gift of continence, who cannot attain it through lawful means, and who have no impediment making marriage unlawful for them. “But if they cannot contain, let them marry; for it is better to marry than to burn” (1 Cor 7:9). Here the varying degrees of the urgent and the hindering causes must be weighed against one another, and the weightier must prevail.
Some who have very strong lusts may yet face stronger impediments, and though they cannot maintain the purity of thought they desire, they must in such a case abstain. Every person can keep their body chaste if they will do their part; and thoughts themselves can generally, for the most part, be kept pure, and wanton imaginations quickly checked, if a person is godly and willing to do what they can. On the other side, there are some who have a more manageable degree of concupiscence, yet have no considerable hindrance to marriage, whose duty it may well be to marry as the surest and most effective safeguard against even that modest degree, as long as nothing forbids it.
3. Another cause that warrants marriage is when, upon a wise and thorough assessment of all considerations, it is apparently most probable that in a married state one may be most serviceable to God and the public good, that there will be greater helps and fewer hindrances to the great ends of our lives: the glorifying of God and the saving of ourselves and others. Since every condition may be expected to be more helpful in one respect and more hindering in another, one offering more support to a contemplative life, another better equipping a person for active and public service, the great skill in discerning our duty lies in the prudent weighing and comparing of the advantages and disadvantages, free from the pull of fantasy, lust, or passion, and in a true discernment of which side carries the greatest weight.
Lord Bacon observes in his eighth essay that unmarried men are the best friends, the best masters, and the best servants, but not always the best subjects, for they are quick to run away and therefore ready to take risks.
Here several things must be carefully observed.
1.) The first two reasons for marriage, concupiscence and the will of parents, or any similar reasons, have their force only when subordinate to the third: the final cause, which is the interest of God and our salvation. This last reason, drawn from our ultimate end, is by itself sufficient without any of the others; but none of the others is sufficient without it. If it is clear that in a married state you have better advantages for the service of God, for doing good to others, and for saving your own soul than you could have in a single life, then it is undoubtedly your duty to marry. Our obligation to seek our ultimate end is the most constant and indispensable of all obligations. Though parents do not command it, though you have no physical necessity, it is still a duty if it most certainly advances your ultimate end.
2.) Yet observe also that no appeal to your ultimate end will warrant you to marry when some other circumstance has already made it unlawful, so long as that circumstance continues. We must not do evil that good may come of it. Our salvation is not advanced by sin; and even if we could see a probability of doing more good to others by committing some sin to accomplish it, the sin is not to be committed.
Our lives and mercies are entirely in the hand of God, and the success and acceptance of all our endeavors depends wholly upon him. It can never be rational to seek them by willfully offending him through sin. It may be a means toward public good for able and godly men to be magistrates and ministers; and yet a man who would lie, be perjured, or commit any known sin in order to hold a magistracy or preach the Gospel might more reasonably expect a curse on himself and his endeavors than God’s acceptance, blessing, and success. So the person who would sin to change his condition for the better would find that he had changed it for the worse; or if it does good to others, he may expect not good but ruin to himself, unless repentance intervenes.
3.) Observe also that if the question is simply which state of life, married or single, best advances this ultimate end, then any one of the subordinate reasons will establish that we have a call, provided there are no greater reasons on the other side. If you have no physical necessity, the will of parents alone may oblige you, if there is nothing greater against it. Or if parents lay no obligation upon you, physical necessity alone may do it. Or if neither of these moves you, a clear probability of attaining such an estate or opportunity as would make you more able to relieve many others, to be of service to the church, or to raise children devoted to God, may warrant your marriage, if no greater reasons stand against it. When the scales are even, any one of these may turn them.
