The Godly Man's Choice

To the Christian Reader

The following directions teach how to make a wise and godly choice of a suitable marriage partner. A close friend of the author placed them in my hands, asking me to consider whether they were fit to be published and to give my judgment.

I was deeply impressed by their soundness, simplicity, clarity, fullness, and good arrangement. I believe they can be an excellent help in guiding single people into God’s way, the only right way of entering the honorable state of marriage. This is a matter of the greatest consequence for a person’s happiness or misery in this life, depending on whether it is done well or badly.

The author of these excellent rules, or directions, was a remarkably gifted and holy young man, well educated and of rare ability. He studied beforehand and practiced these rules, which he had gathered from God’s revealed word. God accompanied him, giving him a wife according to his desire. He lived with her only a short time, for the Lord was pleased, as a favor to him, to take him away from the evil to come.

“The memory of the just is blessed” (Prov 10). Some erect marble monuments to keep their names in perpetual remembrance. In some places, when people mourned their dead friends, they would hold up and show some of the finest things those friends had made during their lives (Acts 9:39).

I think no better monument can be raised, and no better means can be used to preserve this man’s name as precious, sweet, ever living, and most profitable to future generations, than to publish this work of his for the churches of God.

These directions will be equally useful in guiding a single woman in accepting and choosing a husband, teaching parents how to choose husbands and wives for their children, and guiding a man in making a good choice of a wife.

I commend this brother’s practice to everyone as an example to follow. Let each person study and seek to know and perform the work and duties of the position and circumstances in which God has placed them, so that they may walk with God and please him there.

Among the secondary evidences that a person is in a state of grace and accepted by God, I know none clearer or more certain than this: a believer in Christ Jesus adds to faith a conscientious concern to please God by faithfully carrying out the work of their particular calling and relationships.

I cannot think that a person possesses the power of godliness beyond the extent to which they seek to show it in their particular calling and circumstances of life, as well as in their general Christian calling.

An upright person, like David, will keep away from “his iniquity” (Ps 18:23). That is the sin to which their natural corruption makes them most prone, and to which their particular circumstances most tempt them and expose them to the greatest danger. In the same way, their special concern will be to fulfill the duty of their own position, doing the work that God has particularly given them to do (John 17:4).

In several places, after setting out the doctrine of faith, the apostle adds the doctrine of good works. First he treats them generally, as the effects and evidences of a living faith. Then he turns to the particular duties of men and women according to their different positions and relationships: wives toward their husbands and husbands toward their wives; children toward their parents and parents toward their children; servants toward their masters and masters toward their servants (Eph 5:22; Col 3:18; Titus 2). These are the effects and evidences of true holiness.

Where there is no effort to live well in general, faith is not alive but “dead” (Jas 2:17). If a person thinks they have faith but has no works, they deceive themselves. In the same way, someone may think they have works because they perform many acts of holiness and righteousness required by their general calling as a Christian. Yet if they do not do the work God has particularly given them to do, they also deceive themselves. They have reason to fear that the holiness and righteousness they seem to possess are not sound.

Anyone who wants to use these directions to begin marriage well will, I think, be equally eager to know how to live as a Christian after marrying. To help them, I have therefore added some further directions at the end of these. They concern husbands and wives, their love for one another, and their life together, so that they may please God and live comfortably and happily in marriage.

I commend both sets of directions to everyone who wants instruction in these matters. I also commend both you and these directions to God, who instituted marriage, that he may make them a blessing to you. To him belongs all honor and glory, now and forever.

Yours to serve you in the Lord,

Henry Scudder,

Pastor of Collingburn Ducis in Wiltshire.

July 23, 1644.

Choosing a Spouse

Every goal has its own proper path and means of reaching it. All paths will not lead equally well to the same goal. There is an opposite path that will never bring you there. There is a crooked, indirect path that may perhaps bring you there, but with much trouble and labor. Then there is a straight, direct path, which will bring you to your desired goal with both ease and pleasure. This is the path everyone gropes for, but few can find.

If your purpose is to marry, and to marry in the Lord; to find a wife and a good wife, with whom you may begin your days with joy, continue them in peace, and end them with comfort, then surely the straightest and most direct way to obtain her is to seek her from God. There are many reasons to take this course.

1. He is best able to guide and direct you in finding her. She is a flower that does not grow in every garden, an herb that is not in every field. She is not to be found in every house. You may search a long time before finding her, and be deceived when you do find her, unless God directs you.

2. She cannot be obtained from anyone but him. He is the great patron whose household contains all the prudent, wise, virtuous, and religious people you should desire. If you want one of these, seek to obtain his favor, and so you will find a good wife (Prov 18:22). In other households you may certainly find a rich wife or a beautiful wife, but a prudent wife is from the Lord (Prov 19:14).

3. This is the easiest way to find her. However great a mercy may be, when we can obtain it only with great difficulty, the difficulty either discourages us from pursuing it or lessens the sweetness of enjoying it. But how much contentment and delight fill the heart when it sees a great mercy falling into its lap! Do you want to obtain a good wife, the greatest of earthly mercies? Here is the shortest way. Be still; simply seek and wait. In time you will, as it were, see God bringing her in his hand and offering her to you. We see that Adam slept while God brought Eve to him (Gen 2:21).

4. No one ever found her without seeking in this way. Many have indeed wandered and roamed over this wide world, searching everywhere and looking into every corner, through city and countryside, town and village. But after the most diligent search, what have they finally found? Perhaps riches. Alas, they vanish! Perhaps honor, which is a burden; perhaps beauty, which at best is vanity; or respectable behavior, which is only gilded impiety. Even if they eventually stumble upon a good wife, if they have not sought her in this way, they will either not enjoy her for long or not enjoy her so comfortably. God will put many bitter ingredients into what otherwise might have been a sweet portion.

5. Otherwise, instead of finding a blessing, you may find a curse. What greater blessing is there than to have a suitable helper, someone who can rejoice your heart in this pilgrimage, accompany you, and cheer you along the way as you take many weary steps toward the land of rest? But on the other hand, under what heavier curse can you groan? To what more grievous torment can you be yoked than to an unsuitable partner? It will embitter all your comforts, deprive you of all your delights, rob you of all your contentment, and even make life weary and death uncomfortable.

6. This is why those who seek otherwise suffer so much anxiety and trouble in their search. Instead of asking for God's help and assistance, they employ their own ingenuity to arrange the fulfillment of their desires. If their purposes fail and their expectations are disappointed, how disturbed they become at the thought of it! Their spirits grow dull and numb. Their minds lose themselves entirely in what they want to find. In pursuing what they now become incapable of obtaining, they consume and wear away all their comfort and contentment. They lose themselves, their comforts, and perhaps their senses all at once. At last they make themselves fitter for Bedlam than for the marriage bed. Those who set themselves to seek her from God, by contrast, enjoy much pleasure and peace in seeking, contentment in finding, and comfort in having her.

7. In this way you will give God the obedience due to him. You acknowledge him as your supreme governor and go to him as children go to a parent, for guidance and direction in all their affairs. This pleases him. But if we rush into such weighty business and venture into matters of such importance without telling him, seeking him, or asking for his help in accomplishing them, what are we doing? We are pulling our necks out of his yoke and throwing off all obedience and submission to him, as though we did not depend on him and could therefore disregard all direction from him.

8. Finally, whatever happens, you may find comfort in it, whether she is virtuous or vicious. If she is virtuous, comfort will flow in on every side. You will find great comfort in knowing that God graciously bent his ear toward you and gave you so favorable a pledge of his loving kindness. Every time you look at her, you may joyfully lift your eyes to God and say, “Here is the wife you have given me,” and bless him for giving you so good an inheritance.

If she is vicious, yet your conscience bears its inward testimony that you sincerely committed your way to the Lord and relied on him for direction, here you may confidently find comfort: everything will be for your good. He who brought you into this condition will support you in it. He will either lighten your burden or strengthen your weak shoulders.

But if you have woven this web of trouble yourself, if your own negligence left you greatly wanting in your duty to God, and you dragged this cross upon yourself by improper means rather than having God lay it upon you, then put your hand over your mouth and submit patiently. Repentance is more fitting for you than comfort.

Who will not readily be convinced that no course equals this for obtaining a good wife? It would be well if our hearts could be brought to submit to its practice as readily as our minds can be brought to acknowledge its truth.

Seeking God in Prayer

[Question:] How, or in what manner, must those who desire this blessing seek God and approach him?

The only way, for this mercy as for all others, is prayer. Over this means we may well write, “It has been proved,” for those who diligently apply themselves to it have seldom failed to reach their goal. Therefore make it your concern to direct your petitions to him for this purpose in the best manner you can.

1. Ask him to give you wisdom and understanding in your choice, for only a wise choice secures your joys. When someone is presented to you, do not let your heart be so captivated by her beauty, riches, or natural gifts that you become careless and neglect to search for what matters most. Let the grace in her heart be the one radiant pearl that shines brightly in your eyes.

If we had nothing but a physical nature, beauty, riches, honor, and the like might rightly be our chief desires and the things we sought most, since they are most pleasing and agreeable to the senses. But we are endowed with a most noble soul, too well born to feed upon such husks. All these things will give it no more taste than the white of an egg. Other delicacies must therefore be provided, and other qualities sought, more suitable to this noble faculty. What can they be but grace? Grace alone is the delicacy upon which the soul thrives.

Shall we then devote our chief desires and greatest efforts to what will nourish the body but poison the soul, feed the slave but starve the child? God forbid! Yet many do this, and we will do it too if God withdraws his wisdom from us and gives us over to our own folly.

2. Again, beg God never to bind your affections to anyone whose affections he has not bound to himself. Ask that your love may never be sincere toward someone whose love is not sincere toward God. We often see that a rotten corpse may lie under a beautiful tomb and deadly poison beneath a smooth skin. Gall and bitterness may be in the hearts of those whose mouths drip honey and the honeycomb. Loathsome hypocrisy may hide beneath the fair appearance of sincerity.

God alone searches the heart and tests its deepest desires; we can judge only by outward appearances. Therefore ask him to search and test her, to see whether any way of iniquity is found in her and reveal it to you. Then your affections will not, like some people's eyes, be led astray by a deceptive light.

3. If your investigation makes it evident that true grace has not yet been worked in her heart, then earnestly beg God to draw back your affections and take away their sharpness. It is questionable whether your own heart is sincerely gracious if your affections can sincerely attach themselves to those who have no grace. Do not throw the reins of your love onto the neck of your affections. Beg God, who subjects all things to himself, to subdue your affections and bring them into submission to his will. Let them be like the captain's servant, going and coming at his pleasure.

4. But if you have committed yourself so far that you are neither able nor lawfully free to withdraw your affections, and yet cannot clearly perceive true grace in her heart, then double your petitions before God. Pray, and pray earnestly, that he will bestow his distinguishing mercies upon her, plant the seeds of saving grace in her heart, and make them appear in her life. Do not give up, night or day. Give no sleep to your eyes or slumber to your eyelids until you have obtained this for her. “What fellowship hath light with darkness, or Christ with Belial?”

Indeed, enlarge your petitions to God. Ask him to unite her to Christ before joining her to you; to marry her to his Son before marrying her to you; to make her one with him before making her one with you. Ask him to make you members of one head before making you one body, so that you may both be one spirit before you are one flesh. Let him first join your hearts and then join your hands.

5. If diligent investigation clearly shows that God has done more than ordinarily for her soul, that the marks of a new creature are stamped upon her, and that the pangs of the new birth are over, then your chief work is done, but not all your work. You must not immediately settle down and conclude, “This is a wife for me, and I will be a husband for her.” No, further inquiry is still needed. Just as you must not choose someone who is not godly, neither may you choose every woman who is. She may be good, yet not good for you; she may be a suitable wife, yet not suitable for you. Therefore enlarge your petitions further, asking God to provide not only a good wife but a suitable wife, suitable in every respect.

1. In age. A young head will not suit gray hair, nor do we usually graft young plants onto old stocks. To see youth joined to age is no less ridiculous to others than it is unsuitable in itself. Such matches please no one but the parties themselves, and even them only for a while.

2. In family background. Suitability in parentage as well as age would be desirable. Let birds of a feather flock together, equals with equals. The eagle will not join herself to a sparrow, nor is it fitting for a donkey to associate with a lion. They seldom join without disorder. Such is commonly the outcome of these unequal matches: they begin with disagreement between the parents and usually end in dissension between the parties.

3. In financial circumstances. Seek some proportion of equality. Although financial means should not be sought above everything else, neither should they be neglected altogether.

1. Do not marry someone who has nothing, lest you or your friends treat her as nothing. Rachel was not so despised for her barren womb as many now are for their empty purse.

2. Again, do not seek someone whose wealth far surpasses yours (Jer 45:5). If God brings such a woman to you through his providence, you may indeed accept it. But seeking it is one thing, and having it brought to you is another. This is the harbor most men desire, and here lies the rock on which many are wrecked. Some desire riches so much that no adequate portion will satisfy them. Though they receive many large offers, they remain unsatisfied. Coveting everything, they may at last lose everything.

If there is danger in seeking, what danger is there in finding a wife richly laden? Surely this saying is true: “We do not see the part of the bag that is behind.” We look at the front of her bag, loaded with wealth, and fix our eyes there, with neither care nor desire to look further. But if we had the wisdom to look into the part behind, we would see it filled with sorrow and trouble in full measure, pressed down and heaped up, if not running over.

Those who feel their weight and groan under their burden know best how many troubles attend such marriages. Yet reason and daily experience tell us of some of them. First, you risk losing all the respect that is your due. Instead of revering you, she will disrespect you; instead of making you her head, she will put you at her feet. Because she carries the greater weight in riches, she will expect to carry the greater authority. Her desire should be directed toward you, but now yours must be directed toward her. Because she has brought you your wealth, she will take it upon herself to consume it without restraint. If you show your displeasure in words or actions, you will soon feel it in the loss of your peace and an increase in your daily trouble and torment. This flame will rise still higher if grace does not temper it.

3. Consider her constitution and disposition. Two hot-tempered natures will not agree well. They are much like two millstones meeting with no grain between them, threatening to set the whole mill on fire. Little peace and great trouble are the portion of the family in which such people meet. Neither will two melancholy people suit each other well. When hardship or trouble comes upon them, how will they bear each other's burdens or comfort each other, when melancholy, which nourishes grief, predominates as much in one as in the other?

This plainly shows that the matter is of great importance. In nothing is wisdom more necessary and beneficial, or rashness more harmful, than in this. Once done, it cannot be undone. Why does almost every corner echo with complaints like these? One says, “I wish I had never seen your face.” Another says, “I have not enjoyed a happy day since I met you.” A third says, “I wish I were unmarried again.” Some bewail their condition with tears, others rail with oaths, and still others rage with curses. All this is simply the fruit of an indiscreet, thoughtless mind that leaped before looking and so rushed headlong to its own ruin.

But if, through your diligent prayers, God has graciously brought before you and offered you someone endowed with all the qualities already mentioned, and therefore suitable for you in every way, do not settle down to court her yet. First court both your friends and hers, and labor to obtain their willing consent. You know the proverb, “Stolen goods will not prosper.” If you take her without her friends' consent, she is no better than stolen, for you forcibly take from them what they do not willingly give you. How can you expect a blessing to accompany this thieving match?

Again, if you give yourself to her without your friends' consent, you rob them of their privilege and take the choice into your own hands. This is contrary to both reason and God's Word. It is contrary to reason, for what is more reasonable than that a person should dispose of what is his own, and what is more his own than his children? They belong by right to their parents, who brought them into the world. They came from their own bodies and were nourished at their own breasts. Their parents have suffered much and done much for them.

How many bouts of sickness and faintness did they suffer during pregnancy? How many terrible pangs and grievous pains attended the birth? What diligent care, strenuous effort, and repeated expense did they give to their upbringing? How many wakeful nights, weary intervals of rest, anxious thoughts, sorrowful tears, and earnest prayers have they poured out for them? Let no one be worthy of the name of child who, having received so much from parents, will not acknowledge it with every possible submission.

What better testimony of your gratitude can you give than to submit in this matter to the one who, under God, brought you into being and so earnestly seeks your well-being? Part of the parent's duty is to make timely and careful provision of this kind for the children. Abraham did this for his son Isaac (Gen 24:2-3), Isaac for his son Jacob (Gen 28:1-2), and Hagar for her son Ishmael (Gen 21:21). Daughters, like sons, were at their parents' disposal. Caleb therefore said, “I will give thee Achsah my daughter to wife” (Josh 15:17). Saul gave David his daughter Michal as a wife (1 Sam 18:27). Naomi was even careful to provide for Ruth, her daughter-in-law (Ruth 3:1-2).

Is it not, then, the children's duty to submit to their parents' provision? Surely it is, for Jacob did so (Gen 28:6-7). Indeed, it is worth observing that even among the heathen a parent's consent is required in marriage (Gen 34:4). Shechem therefore said to his father Hamor, “Get me this maid to wife,” implying that unless his father obtained her, he could not take her. What do those who act otherwise do but heap woe upon themselves and sorrow and grief upon the gray heads of their aged parents (Gen 26:34-35)?

Since it is the parents' duty to provide, and yours to submit, beg God to direct your parents' hearts toward someone qualified and suitable for you in every way already mentioned. Ask that their hearts may not be carried away by some particular object they chiefly look for and like best, whether beauty, honor, friends, riches, or the like. Many are so captivated by these things that, if they find them in her, they resolve that no one but she shall have their consent, however much other unsuitability and incompatibility there may be. Ask instead that their affections may be most attracted to what best deserves them.

Then ask God to make your own affections responsive to his and bring them into a submissive condition. Do not be like those whose affections have taken control and carried them into this desperate resolution: whatever comes of it, for better or worse, approved or disapproved, no one will stop or hinder them. Certainly, when such unbridled resolutions meet in either party, they plainly show that neither sought God, neither the parent for the child nor the child for himself.

But surely this is the fruit of prayer, and here is the finger of God: the thoughts, intentions, and affections of both meet sweetly and harmoniously and unite in one. Building up this match will be like building the temple, where neither hammer nor axe was heard (1 Kgs 6:7). Everything here will move forward so prosperously and easily that no hammer will be needed to drive it. All obstacles will be so thoroughly dissolved that no axe will be needed to cut them apart.

Having successfully won over your parents, proceed to obtain the woman's goodwill. But first be sure she is someone to whom your affections can be wholly bound. Let no riches entice you, beauty allure you, friends persuade you, or even grace move you to make someone your wife unless you also find your affections drawing you toward it. Where wholehearted love does not begin the match, jarring discord will generally end it.

First be sure your affections are set upon her, and then labor to win her affections toward you. This mutual love is the foundation on which the structure of marriage must be built and the pillars that must continually support it. Indeed, it is the very kernel of the matter. Whoever attempts marriage without it must expect that it cannot stand firm, but will before long fall in pieces about his ears.

Your care must concern not only obtaining her goodwill, but how you obtain it. In this many show a great deal of weakness and a bundle of folly.

1. Some declare their ancestry: what a noble family they come from, how nobly they are descended, what royal blood runs in their veins. Thus they seek to win their wives by honor.

2. Others unlock their treasuries, display their riches, spread out their revenues, and describe the length and breadth of their possessions. They make great offers and promises that the very best of all these things will be reserved for her use and service. Thus riches become a net to entrap her affections.

3. Some tell her what great privileges she will obtain and what freedom she will enjoy. Everything in the house, the field, or the purse will be at her disposal. Without restraint she will come and go, walk and ride, at her own pleasure. They promise freedom, but intend to bind her firmly to themselves.

4. Others spend their time and study courting the Muses, so that with their aid they may compose elaborate poems and anagrams, adorned with many clever expressions and fawning flatteries. They think these will captivate the affections of their foolish sweethearts.

5. Some try to win her affections with actions rather than words. They heap rare presents upon her, offer many gifts, and give many tokens. How they strain their purses and stretch their wits to the limit, devising which gifts will be most welcome and which presents will best act as a magnet to draw her affections!

6. Others apply themselves to base flattery and enticements, accompanied by many foolish gestures and silly, unseemly behaviors, the fruits of a weak mind and frivolous conduct. They act as though they were dealing with a simple child rather than a wise maiden.

7. If this fails, some set their hellish thoughts to work on how to satisfy their lust upon her, thinking that then everything will be secure, as though they were dealing with a prostitute rather than a chaste virgin.

There are many other ways and methods unknown even to the wisest. The way of a young man with a maiden is one of those four hidden things (Prov 30:19). But it is to be feared that, among the many paths so many people tread, few find the right one. Surely I would consider the following course best. It is the surest and less costly. Much comfort and contentment can be brought in through it, without the least being spent or laid out. By seeking in another manner, many spend a great deal of peace and contentment and at last miss their goal. But in this way they will gain abundant peace and comfort and seldom or never fail to reach their end.

Go to God and earnestly entreat him. He has helped you thus far, guiding you to fix your thoughts only on someone religiously and virtuously disposed, qualified and suitable for you in every way. He has graciously granted you the parents' willing consent and removed all difficulties and obstacles in the way. Now a smooth, open passage lies between you and her. Ask him to finish the work as he has begun it. Ask him to guide and direct you to the course of winning her affections that will be most successful in itself and most pleasing to him.

Tell him you know that neither your affections nor hers are at your own disposal, but at his. He can turn and direct them as he pleases. Therefore entreat him to bind and unite your affections toward each other in an inseparable bond that can never be broken, a knot so firm that nothing but death can dissolve it.

Do not be like some who, after their affections were settled and the match almost concluded, rashly broke it all off. I do not know whether it was their parents over some trivial business or money matter, or the parties themselves over some small disagreement or prejudice, perhaps entertained only because of a slander from someone hostile to their future happiness. They may have swallowed this for the time being, yet perhaps never thoroughly digested it. It has therefore bred in them a troubled head, an unsettled mind, and a discontented heart.